It’s time, people. We’re about to hit the road again and this time we’ve got some company. Super 8 Bit Brothers, as well as The Adventures of Duane and Brando, have agreed to join our side for quite a few of the upcoming shows. HOW EXCITING!? It’s going to be the super jam. You Chicagonites should remember Super 8 Bit Brothers from our last trip there. It was super fun..and hot…and sort of smelly. Some of you won’t remember it, because you didn’t pre-order your tickets in time. Don’t let it happen again.

This tour is hitting some places we’ve never been to…and some places we’ve not been to in a long time (no, West Coast…don’t get your hopes up). This will be our first tour with other bands, so don’t miss this exciting new time! Seriously. You should all come to every show. Follow us around the Scenic American Countryside!

Here are the shows with Advance Tickets (get them while you can):

07/10 – San Antonio, TX
07/12 – Dallas, TX – The Prophet Bar
07/14 – New Orleans, LA
07/26 – Louisville, KY
07/28 – Chicago, IL
08/14 – Baltimore, MD

Also, I’m going to stop lying to you about the Tour Talks. I do have some written, but staying up with it for every show is nearly impossible while on the road. I’ll do them when I can, but don’t cry and call the cops when I don’t post them as regularly as I should. If you do, I’ll punch you square in the mouth.

Here’s all the Tour info we have so far:
NOTE – Shows with Super 8 Bit Brothers and Duane and Brando end with a *

JULY
10th – San Antonio, TX – San-Japan
11th – Austin, TX – Game Over Video Games *
12th – Dallas, TX – Prophet Bar *
13th – Houston, TX – Super Happy Fun Land *
14th – New Orleans, LA – One Eyed Jacks *
16th – Gainsville, FL – 1982 *
17th – Orlando, FL – Nerdapaloza (Playing a Show this Day)
18th – Orlando, FL – Nerdapaloza (Hanging Out this Day)
19th – Jacksonville, FL – Jack Rabbits *
20th – Savannah, GA – The Wormhole *
21st – Columbia, SC – The 5 Points House *
22nd – Atlanta, GA – Star Bar
23rd – Chattanooga, TN – The Warehouse *
26th – Louisville, KY- Vernon Lanes *
28th – Chicago, IL – Subterranean ••17+ *
29th – Des Moines, IA – Vaudeville Mews
31st – Springfield, MO – The High Life

AUGUST
06th – Nashville, TN – 12th and Porter
14th – Baltimore, MD – Sonar – Bit Gen Fest 5 (128 Bit Genocide)

Many more dates are on the way. I’ll post them on the Tour Page as they come in. Keep your eye peeled.

Also, several new shirts are on the way. They look super fancy. We’ll show you when they’re ready to come out of the oven. In the mean time, make sure you have at least 17 Keep Quiet shirts…. You never know when you’ll need a spare…or 16 spares.

See you soon,

-Commander

WEST COAST…….IT’S TIME TO GET YOUR HOPES UP.
2010 TOUR PART III.
WE’RE COMING FOR YOU!

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Firstly, a belated Happy New Decade Year… everyone. I know I promised a more regular mailer update, but things have sort of been crazy around here lately and if you can’t handle that, I’ll come to your house and punch you in the mouth…to the death.

Now, with the usual threats out of the way, its time for a State Of The Union Address of The Union’s State of Addresses. However, instead of talking about things of the past, we’re going to talk about things of the future. ACT III………… not really. What we’re really going to talk about how we could be coming to a town near you… and if we aren’t, you should move towns. Sorry West Coast, don’t get your hopes up… yet.

This year is shaping up to be pretty intense. We’re putting together some pretty constant tours right now. “What bus will you use on these intense and constant tours?,” some of you may well ask. Well, we’re pleased to tell you that all of the get well cards and flowers and chocolate bars and high-powered industrial strength juicers and foot pajamas that you sent to aid in Jesse Christine: The last of the V8 Interceptors’ swift recovery… failed miserably.

She did not pull through.

In fact, Jesse Christine was lost altogether in a roof top fight with an oversized rat. Dangling from the edge of the building, her very life in the hands of a vengeance-crazed rodent, she pleaded for mercy. The rodent spoke: “Death comes for us all, Jesse Christine: The Last of the V8 Interceptors, but something much worse comes for you, for when you die it will be”…Our valiant bus would take the abuse no more. She let go and plummeted…into a garbage truck. “…Without honor” the rat whispered. That guy from Look Who’s Talking Too and the third episode of Knightwatch pulled the lever and crushed her…to the death.

Luckily, we recovered the body and had just enough ooze left to create a freakishly large and ridiculously strong “Super Jesse Christine: The Last of the Super V8 Interceptors.” We don’t want to jinx it…but we feel we can say with the utmost confidence that there is little to no chance of our new bus being crushed under the weight of a dock.

Speaking of getting crushed under a dock, we’re playing a show February 28th in Nashville’s own 12th and Porter. It is going to be broadcast live on 102.9 The Buzz in Nashville….HOW EXCITING?! (Remember, that’s FM. You AM people are shit out of luck) But seriously now, if you’ve ever had dreams and aspirations of having your voice heard on radio, this could be the night, the night to remember. We’ll make it last forever. All you have to do is come down to 12th and Porter and scream into their broadcast mics…they love it when you do that. If you can’t be there, for some horrible reason, you can possibly stream it on the World Wide Web. Since this is a live broacast, the rules are a little different. It is an early show and we’re the only band playing that night. WE START PLAYING MUSICS AT 9PM. Don’t blow it.

Good news for the people who didn’t make it to the Act II release show. We’re going to play Acts I and II again…only this time, we’re sure as hell not going to do them both in the same night. No. This time we’re doing it in two back to back nights at the A&G Ohio nerd debauchery contest…it’s going to be the awesomest. The dates are March 12th and 13th. Get your tickets now before it sells the hell out!

Speaking of selling the hell out…. We have been invited to play PAX East this year in Boston, MA. If you’d like, you can read an interview about it with The Arcadians on MTV.com where we get a fancy mention. How Nice! That show is March 26th and day passes for Friday are the only ones left. Everything else is sold out. Get them whilst you can get them!

Below is a rundown of most of our upcoming shows. More shows are being added daily so keep your eye on our Current Tour Dates page (I swear we’ll keep it updated from now on):

February:
28th – Nashville, TN – 12th and Porter

March:
12th – Cincinnati, OH – A&G Ohio
13th – Cincinnati, OH – A&G Ohio
15th – Austin, TX – Elysium (SXSW)
17th – Austin, TX – Red Eye Fly (OFFICIAL SXSW SHOWCASE)
18th – Austin, TX – To Be Announced Soon (SXSW)
19th – Austin, TX – Republic Live (Concequence of Sound SXSW Day Pary)
21st – Memphis, TN – Newby’s
23rd – Knoxville, TN – The Midtown
24th – Richmond, VA – Plaza Bowl
25th – Danbury, CT – Heirloom Arts
26th – Boston, MA – PAX East
31st – Detroit, MI – The Trumbullplex

April:
1st – Chicago, IL – Beat Kitchen ••17+••
2nd – Louisville, KY – Vernon Lanes
3rd – Murfreesboro, TN – YEAH (All Ages Early Show) + Wall St. (Late Show)
17th – Chattanooga, TN – JJ’s Bohemia
18th – Gainesville, FL – 1982 Bar
19th – Orlando, FL – The Haven
21st – Greenville, NC – The Tank
22nd – Harrisonburg, VA – Blue Nile
23rd – Baltimore, MD – Metro Gallery ••21+
29th – New York, NY – Santos Party House

Much more to be announced in the days to come.

With impending Tour comes impending Tour Talks. They will more than likely show up on the main news page from now on, in order to save everyone pounds and pounds of confusion. Here’s to swimmin’ with bow legged women.

Speaking of bow legged women…There are lots of new stuffs available in Merchandise Land, and even more stuff on the way. Get ready. New Shirts coming. Patches already here. Puppies….ok, no puppies:

The Protomen/Zambooie Store
SoundMachine Store

I think that pretty much brings us up to date.

-Commander

p.s. – ***PLEASE NOTE – UPDATED****

For those of you in the Tennessee area….or even those not from the Tennessee area, you should know that a fierce show is going to happen in Nashville on SUNDAY, MARCH 14th. Makeup and Vanity Set and Magic Hammer (aka – The Dragon) are having a dual album release party at The End, and if that isn’t awesome enough, it gets more and more awesomed by the minute. Anamanaguchi, Sabrepulse, Henry Homesweet, and Starscream are going to be there making party, too. To clarify, when I say “dual album release,” I mean that they are each releasing an album that night…so bring some extra awesome money.

**I’ve heard from “the people who know” that Makeup And Vanity Set’s new album (Self Titled) is going to be very limited in the Physical Copy dept….so pre-order one now, or be at the show to get one. Don’t come crying to me when you finally ask him for one and he man-slaps you right in the mouth.

***I’ve also heard from “other people who know” that Magic Hammer’s new album (Most Extreme Ultimate Thunder) is also a limited Physical Release…but you’ll have to get this one at the show, because he hates Pre-Orders like the Pope hates the devil.

– Click Here for the Makeup and Vanity Set + Magic Hammer show info –

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I know its been about 2 months since our last mailer (“LOOK, I’M SORRY” – The Reanimator), but believe us, we have good reasons (exaggeration) for taking this long. We have been obscenely busy (not an exaggeration) since the release of Act II. This is a good thing (also not an exaggeration). So much has been going on, that it is becoming hard to keep up with everything. And thusly, this mailer is probably going to wind up being the size of an over-achieving grad student’s senior thesis (probably an exaggeration).

What can I remember since the last time we spoke?
You know, it’s… a blur.
I mean, not complete amnesia… I remember Sister Mary-Margaret puking in church, and Betsy Riley said it was morning sickness. And I remember the time I forgot to wear underpants to school, and the name of the boy who noticed was… Ricky Friedburg, he’s dead now.
But… the last 2 months? Complete blur.

I do remember a show.

It was the greatest show that ever happened…
And by that, I mean it was the hottest stage we’ve ever played on. I really think all the technical difficulties we had were caused by the whole place melting out from under us.

I suppose there’s some correlation between hot and awesome. After all, nobody just up and moves to Alaska. Oh, Scartoe…

There is a list in the SoundMachine office of people who made the Act II release show possible. It contains over a hundred names. Most of them are dead now.
They will never know how truly grateful we, The Protomen, will always be for what they did for us, The Protomen.

To our allies in the ProtoOrchestra:
I have never met a group of musicians more willing to pack into a small corner of a rehearsal space, sitting on god knows what, and play rock and roll, completely unable to hear any sound produced by your instrument, or the instruments around you. (Except You Adam… good god those cymbals were shrill). You have our utmost respect and admiration.

To our allies in the Human Choir:
I wept, imagining what you must have sounded like. (We couldn’t hear you at all from the stage) But the hell you brought down on the crowd that night will not soon be forgotten. You portrayed humanity, not as it is, but as it should be… singing words that we wrote about robots. You have our love and adoration.

To our allies in the crowd:
Where in the world did you people come from?
The answer: Not Nashville.
If our fair city had half of your raised fists and roaring voices full time… well, we’d never have to leave.
Thank you for your blood, tears, and gallons of gross gross nerd sweat. You have our thanks and infinite devotion.

Following a night like that, you’d think that we, The Protomen, would sit back and take it easy for a while.
WRONG.
In war, there is no Fall Break.
No, comrades, after the clean up from hurricane “Act II Release Show,” we strapped ourselves into Jesse Christine, The Last of the V8 Interceptors, and headed east.

Unfortunately, of the 30 men and women that played the Act II release show and then climbed into our bus….only 10 survived. We lost almost all of the human choir, and every single string player. All that was left of them was a single violin, which Sir Robert Bakker picked up and made playing it look easy. Who knew he was an accomplished violinist? We did….that’s who.

The Part Where We Talk About The Tour:

Since “some of us” have doubts about your ability to take in great numbers of words in one sitting, we decided it would be best to remove the following section from the core mailer. The missing section is titled “Tour Talk With Commander Hawk,” and it is the start of a tour update blog that I will hopefully be updating regularly while on the road. It is a detailed report of our last tour up the East coast, including the true story of what happened to our bus. Should you like to read it (and you should), follow the next link:

Tour Talk With Commander Hawk

If you’ve made it this far (and read “Tour Talk With Commander Hawk”)… Congratulations. I told you this would be long.
We have a few other important things to tell you, and there’s no time for holding back now.

All The Other Stuff We Need To Talk About:

Act II has made its way to a local College Radio Station near you. It is up to you to request the shit out of it. Even if you don’t live in listening range of a station, you can request anyway. Get their number. Call them. While you’re talking to them, find out if they have a streaming service on their website. Listen to college radio..it can be fun! You can learn new things! However, if they play terrible DoucheRock while you’re listening…it is your duty to call them back and berate them. Either way, the point is this: The more Act II is played over the sky sound machine(S) the higher the possibility of someone hearing it and joining the cause.
The more people that join the cause = The more we can do this thing right. America.

•••The following was updated on 11/14/09•••
Many of you have been asking when Act II: The Poster will be available in the store. I’m here to tell you that the time is now.
…and it comes in Two sizes:
1) Regular – 12″ x 19″
2) Super Awesome – 24″ x 38″

Take your pick.

AMPERSAND for those of you that are on the evolutionary curve and have outgrown this XL economy, XXL shirts are now available in our Zambooie store. Do the deed.
*Note* I’ll send out another small update mailer the moment the posters are available.

For those of you following us on Twitter and the Myspace, you may have noticed us mentioning something about how you still have work to do, and such. Well, that work is due today. This is the last day to tell Lollapalooza that you think The Protomen should play music at their fancy little party. Do your work… Click Here.

If you’re in the Ohio area, you may want to make your way to Sharonville on Saturday. We are playing a show!
11/14/09 – Sharonville, OH – NerdPow – Holiday Inn (We play at 9:30pm)

Here’s your one chance, Fancy. Don’t let me down,

-Commander

P.S. – Just so everyone knows. The only show we’re playing this week is in Ohio. No Chicago Show. We don’t have a bus yet. We’re sorry for the sadness we’ve put all over you. Pass it on.

Tags: Protomen News by The Protomen
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We have just been informed by the good people of Mercy Lounge, that if you are in need of lodging for the days surrounding the 25th, you can get a 20% discount at the nearby Best Western on Music Row if you say Mercy Lounge sent you(that was a remarkably long but somewhat acceptable sentence). All you have to do is ask for the manager named Poonam, and mention Mercy Lounge. (615) 242-1631. One word of advice, however, never look Poonam in the eye…because it may cost you yours.
We hope this info helps keep you off the dark and lonely streets.

We’re down to the last stretch. Under one day until we unveil another countdown that will slowly tick and tock its way until the ACTUAL release of Act II….on December 21, 2012.

Until then, I would like to thank all of you who have already reached for the stars and locked down your very own fancy private unadulterated physical copy of Act II…you’re like family now…well, sort of like family. I guess you’re not so much like family as you are like a bunch of creepy internet stalkers that give us your hard-earned bad-economy money from time to time. We know money is hard to come by. We know you work your fingers to the bone. We know you’re just a steel town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of your life. Either way, what I’m trying to say is, we appreciate the hell out of you and your creepiness.

Now, as for the rest of you, I’m not going to say that if you don’t Pre-Order Act II right now, we’re going to come to your school and dip your head in a toilet in front of your friends, acquaintances, and that cute girl/guy you like. I won’t say that we’ll sneak into your room and hide all manner of drugs, pornographic material, and guns all over the place, while another one of us calls your parents with an anonymous and “concerned” tip…seriously, who would do such a thing?? However, I will say that if you don’t pre-order this record right now, a pack of wolves will come to your house tonight and devour your entire family. Think about it.

I’d like to take this time to point you in the direction of the man who brought the Act II album art to life. His name is John DeLucca. You may remember some of his fine work on our website and with the “Conquest Of The West” poster. He’s a man of great strength and power. Go ahead and let him know how much you like his magic.

Notice-
If you still haven’t gotten your tickets to the Sept. 25th show, you’d best move with a quickness.

For those of you who are into things like Facebook and astronomy, you should click this link, and then spread it like wildfire.

They can’t hurt you now,

-Commander

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ACT II: THE FATHER OF DEATH
•••••••••••••••••
Intermission
The Good Doctor
Father Of Death
The Hounds
The State Vs. Thomas Light
Give Us The Rope
How The World Fell Under Darkness
Breaking Out
Keep Quiet
Light Up The Night
The Fall
Here Comes The Arm
•••••••••••••••••

ONE WEEK.

Even though its only seven days away, you can reserve your physical copy of “Act II: The Father Of Death” today.

*As usual, we recommend the physical copy of this album, because it is the only way to get the complete experience without me coming to your house and interpretive dancing my way around your family and pets for 57 minutes. Believe me, you don’t want that. It’s super creepy. I should know… I’m the one that has to do it. For instance, I’m an incredibly huge Kate Bush fan, but I don’t know if I could handle a personal ‘in house’ interpretation of Wurthering Heights. Save yourself the awkwardness… get the physical copy. To persuade you even further, Act II comes with a 24 page booklet filled with story and excitement. Act I only had 16… that’s almost 8 more pages!

Questions some have asked about the release of Act II —
1) Q: If I PreOrder Act II this week, will I receive it on or before the 8th of Sept?
A: Absolutely not. Act II is still at the fancy pressing plant, but will be ready for mailing on the 8th. No sooner. We wish it could arrive on your doorsteps on the 8th… but we’re not wizards of magic. Our hands are tied by machines and time.

2) Q: I want the digital copy to tide me over until my physical copy comes in the mail. Where can I buy a Digital Copy of Act II on Sept. 8th?
A:  Because iTunes seems to take forever to process albums, we don’t know if they will have it available that day. However, we DO know that it will be available on Amazon.com on the 8th. We’ll let you know more about all this on that special day.
*SEPT.8th UPDATE*  Act II is available on iTunes and Amazon. Choose your poison.*END UPDATE*

3) Q: Hey, Commander, have you ever seen a big bear riding in the back of a pickup truck?
A: If you had asked me that question a little over a week ago, I would have slapped you right in your eye…. but time has a way of changing a man. Things are different now. I’ll never forget. Still looking for normalcy. Freedom Fries. Have you ever seen something so powerfully raw and beautiful that it sucks the tears right out of your face? I stand before you now, a new man that has seen that “something.” For me, it took the form of a Majestic Black Bear standing in the back of a pickup truck that had a Dreamcatcher hanging from the rearview. Proving a lifelong theorem of mine, that dreamcatchers can land you a pet bear…and now I’m in the unexpectedly expensive process of buying a warehouse full of dreamcatchers…not bears. If my calculations are correct, you don’t need to buy bears because one dreamcatcher is good for at least one bear. *Actual Bear to Dreamcatcher ratios may vary due to geographic location*
If you have any information on the whereabouts of said bear, please respond to this Craigslist ad that I posted.

Album Release Show Update –
For those of you that are planning on buying presale tickets to the show, but have been procrastinizing all over the place, you may want to hurry up. We just got word that it looks like a shit load of you are coming on Sept. 25th. “Atta Boy/Girl,” to the ones that have already prepared themselves. “Shame on you,” to those that haven’t. Don’t get left out in the cold.

To those of you who have been asking. Let it be known that The Protomen are NOT playing DragonCon ’09. Blame in on the rain. HOWEVER… if you are going to be there anyway, you should go watch our friends – How I Became The Bomb. Does it help you to know that their drummer helped out on Act II?

Twitter?
Yeah. If you are into such things, you might as well start following the shit out of us, because we may or may not be getting more deep up in it. It sorta creeps me out in a lot of ways, but it seems to be pretty powerful for quick bursts of viable information. And I know how much you love viable information.

We’ve got work to do,

-Commander

p.s. – In case you haven’t heard… “Light Up The Night.”
***This is a whole song from Act II, so don’t listen if you don’t like hearing things.

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After all the intense amount of  waiting you’ve had to wait through. After all the never ending pain you’ve had to endure. The wait is over….the never ending pain has been proven to be not so never ending! That’s right, people….things are really starting to look up. You’d better cancel all your dinner plans, lock up all your babies, and wish your fathers had never met your mothers, because….SHARK WEEK IS HERE! Its time to sit your ass in front of any TV you can find and watch hours and hours and hours and hours of the Tom Selleck of the sea, SHARKS!

In honor of this momentous, albeit annual..or semi-annual….or poly-annual occasion (does anybody actually know how often Shark Week happens?), we’ve decided to give you all a sneak preview of all of Act II . At the link below, we will provide a 49 second clip of every song on Act II. I know, I know…you can thank us later. OR………you can thank us right now by purchasing your very own Act II shirt! It is now available for pre-order, and is quite a looker, if you ask me. The ladies love it! The guys admire it! Its just like wearing AXE body spray….except you don’t have to be a date rapist to wear it!!! *That last bit is a fact. It’s been clinically tested….in a clinic.

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…………………………………………………………………………….
…………………………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………………ACT II Preview!!!!

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TIME:
Speaking of momentous occasions, you know that Act II will be available on Sept. 8th, but what most of you don’t know is that the Act II Release Show is scheduled to happen on FRIDAY, SEPT. 25th.

Let me tell you a little something about the show:
As some of you may have expected, the show is going to happen at Mercy Lounge in Nashville (what can we say, we like those assholes). What some of you won’t expect is that we are going to have TWO stages. A 10 Piece String Section. 10 Member Choir. An Unnumbered Horn Section. …and we will play the entirety of Act’s I&II back to back. Well, sort of back to back. Makeup And Vanity Set is going to play during intermission!

So, hop on your Shatner Machine, find your cheap plane tickets and hotel rooms, and then start preparing yourself for one ferocious night, because it’s not like going down the pond chasin’ bluegills and tommycods. This show…. swallow you whole.  Here’s to swimmin’ with bow legged women.

Speaking of bow legged women (who are generally just as nice as regular legged women, and should not be discriminated against)…. The good people of Mercy Lounge have set up a special Pre-Sale for everyone on our Mailing List. That’s you. Don’t get left out in the cold. GO HERE and enter the magic password: dfetterman
*Word on the street is that if you get one of these super code protected Pre-Sale tickets…you may just receive a fancy little something at the show. I’m not really sure what street that word was heard on, but I’m somewhat positive that it was heard on at least one street.

UPCOMING SHOWS:
Between now and then, we are going to be playing a few shows up the East Coast. We’re making our way up to Baltimore to make our third appearance at the annual (8, 16, 32, 64)Bit Genocide party. If you’re one of those people who are into the video games and the PacMan, you should put forth your best effort to be at Ottobar in Baltimore on Aug. 22nd.
••••••••••
The list of upcoming shows you should attend is as follows:
AUGUST-
20th – Knoxville, TN – The Midtown *All Ages*
21st – Richmond, VA – Plaza Bowl – (along with How I Became The Bomb) *All Ages*
22nd – Baltimore, MD – Ottobar – 64Bit Genocide
23rd – Ashville, NC – New French Cafe *21+*

SEPTEMBER-
25th – Nashville, TN – Mercy Lounge (Act II Release Show)

•••••••••••••

You know what you have to do.

-Commander

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Let me tell you a story….
This isn’t one of those pretty bedtime stories where everything works out neatly in the end and the lessons are learned and the heroes are rewarded….
This isn’t the story about a father who puts his work before his wife and kids and waits until the last minute to try and find the coveted Turbo Man action figure, complete with all accessories…that was Jingle all the Way, my friends…and this….is not that story. We didn’t see Sinbad once that whole weekend.

This is a story of Mud.
The kind of mud that gets everywhere…gets all over you…gets into everything…deep.
This…is the story of Bonnaroo…

Early on the morning of the 11th of June, 13 Men and Women carefully packed an airport shuttle bus, a late 80’s model 15 passenger van, and a 1967 Shasta Tow-along Camper. Now, you may ask yourselves why 13 people would need over 25 seats worth of vehicle space and only camper space to sleep 8…well, my friends, this was Bonnaroo…a place where math doesn’t exist and logic is clouded by hallucinogenic drugs and hippie body odor. Not to mention Mud.

When we arrived, no less than 3000 cars were stuck in various mud holes in and around the fields of Manchester, TN. We alone made it through the swamp, knowing that if we were foolish enough to stop we would surely sink and die…until this guy with a badge and a poncho waved us to a stop in the very middle of the bog of eternal saddness. And so we sank… And there we stayed for 4 long days… Taunted by the mind-numbing repetitive mind-numbing repetitive beats of Paul Oakenfold. Disheartened by the fact that we knew every word to every song that Jimmy Buffet played in the distance. and hopeful that somewhere not too far away, Moe’s tour bus was in the same nightmarish predicament that we were in. “Move, you stupid horse,” indeed.

That was Thursday.

I’m happy to say that the sun came out on friday and dried up all the mud…I’m sad to say that the sun failed to dry out any of the mud in and around our particular campsite. Somewhere along the way, one of us thought it wise to find bails of straw to cover the worst parts of our campground river. This effort was applauded…for the first 30 minutes. Shortly thereafter, we found that once wet, straw tends to give off a smell that it no doubt learned from the place from whence it came…a cow field. It wasn’t long before our campground smelled like a steaming pile of ddb.

Now all this may sound like the long and muddy set up to a terrific tragedy…but nothing brightens up a rainy day like the sound of war drums on the horizon.
We came to Bonnaroo to battle Phish. And battle Phish we did.

We prayed to the gods the morning of the 12th, We smeared war paint on top of the mud on top of our faces, We heaved the official Bonnaroo transport golf carts we’d been commisioned out of the mud around us and made for the stage…like falcons covered in mud head for a muddy rabbit on the mud prairie. Keymaster even painted a fresh pair of shoes. When we got there the only deity we’d prayed to that actually managed to show was Jesus Christ…and we’re pretty sure he was stoned…but nonetheless, we prepared ourselves for the fight.

It was a glorious fight.

We lost….big time.

But we had fun…and as Commander’s high school football coach used to say…”you kids stay away from those Sodomy Parties”.

…and stay away from those sodomy parties, we did.

The End.

We’d Like to thank everyone who showed up to help us battle Phish. Together, we made for a tough tough foe.
We’d like to thank Mikie Martel for decorating the beautiful Artist VIP Lounge …oh and playing trumpet for us.
We’d like to thank Converse and Onitsuka and Korg USA for greeting us with open arms, no matter how many assholes we tried to pile into their tents at once.
We’d like to thank BMI, Mercy Lounge, and Bonnaroo for having us out and making the trip a glorious one.
We’ll see you guys next year…
Protomen out!

Oh….I guess there’s more news to be had…

From the Dept. of All Things Act II related:
I know many of you marked your calendars with a large question mark based on a strange countdown on the new and improved ProtoSite.
We would like to officially announce that the end of that countdown will mark the beginning of a post-Act II world.
Get ready.
No word on the official release party date.
More info to come.

From the Dept. of What can I do to hang out with my favorite Protomen between now and then:
You can get your ass to Nerdapolooza. It’s in Florida… it’s on the 12th of July…and it’s name even scares us.
Along with Nerdapolooza…we’re playing a few select shows in route. Check the tour schedule for more info.

From the Dept. of Merch:
New Shirts will soon be available online. They’re beautiful and much less stifling than those hoodies we’ve seen some of you sporting out in the hot June sun.
Don’t be a dummy. Put the hoodies away until the fall. Buy the new shirt…very soon(we’ll let you know as soon as the pre-order starts on Zambooie).

From the Dept. of Past and Future Members of the Proto Army:
We’d like to officially send our condolences to the wives of Scartoe and The Keymaster.
We’d like to officially send our Thanks and regards to the wives of Sir Robert Bakker.

Those who are gone will forever fight upon the eternal stage of glory. Except Keymaster….he’ll be a pharmacist.

-Panther

Yeah...Sinbad.

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Again with the squeaky shoes …
We have more bad news. But this time the bad news is only for the place that got away with not having bad news last time. Ashville, NC, we’re sorry, but it has to be this way. We found out late yesterday afternoon that our Tuesday show had to be canceled, due to these events that are continuously unforeseen. If someone would invent an Event Foreseer, believe us, we’d use the hell out of it … but until then, we are subject to the merciless and unrelenting whims of unforeseeability.

In Other News….that ISN’T bad –
We would like to thank each and every one of you for our victory at San Juan … I mean Mercy Lounge on Monday. You stood tall … well, most of you weren’t there, but you were there in spirit with your heads held high. To the ones of you that were actually there…you have the hearts of lions. We thank you for sticking around until 12:30 on a Monday night. We certainly couldn’t have done it without you. You were the “landslide.” And Stevie Nicks sang you with all her heart.

For those of you who are somehow in the dark with what all of this means –
It means that The Protomen are going to play at the Bonnaroo Festival in Manchester, TN with Bruce Springsteen, The Decemberists, Jenny Lewis, TV On The Radio, Okkervil River, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, David Byrne, NIN, and Danny Glover! I don’t know if Danny Glover is really going to be there, but we got a hot tip.

On to other related business –
Recently, we told everyone that if we won the Road To Bonnaroo competition, we would have an ice cream party. We are men and women of our word … Congratulations, you won yourself free ice cream. Very soon, we’re having said Ice Cream party at the Strike And Spare on Charlotte Ave. in Nashville, TN. Stay tuned for more information.

Upcoming Show/s –
Next month, we will be supporting our longtime friends in Shoot The Mountain for their CD release show, and we’ll be joined by none other than TOTALLY SNAKE!! Every one of these men are like two legged unicorns of fury. That night will prove to be great fun for everyone.

May 16th
Shoot The Mountain – EP Release Show
Shoot The Mountain, The Protomen, and Totally Snake
at The Basement
Nashville, TN

June 11th – 14th
Bonnaroo Festival
Exact date to be announced.

ACT II –
It exists …

Far from over,

-Commander

Tags: Protomen News by The Protomen
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There are several items to bring to the table today….some good….some bad….some good and bad……some bad and good….some bad with good…..some good with bad….some good for bad…some bad for good. Nothing too bad…. Nothing too good. I will tell you, however, that I’m positive that none of the good news is bad, and none of the bad news is good.

Let’s get right down to the good parts of the good news and the bad parts of the bad news:
The bad news is we are having to stand down from our late April tour of the East coast………..but the good news is…..this will speed up the release of ACT II!! This is actually really great news, but know that we are deeply sorry that we will not get to come to your town and play jams for you and your family. Reason being, we had some tour scheduling conflicts, and at this point, Act II takes top priority.

That being said, the only show to survive the chopping block was Ashville, NC. I repeat… We ARE STILL playing the show at the New French Bar in Ashville, NC on April 28th.
I guess Ashville, NC only gets good news.

In other news:
-ACT II UPDATE.
As you might have gathered, we’re at the mixing stage of this album, and I’m going on record right now with saying that this is the best record since Technotronic released “Pump Up The Jam.”….no shits.

-LAST SHOWS STANDING:
With all this bad news about shows being canceled….it’s good to know that we still have TWO shows coming up in Nashville… back to back…at the same place!

TONIGHT/Friday, April 17th – at Mercy Lounge ••18+••
with Kindercastle and Fly Golden Eagle – also DJ sets from Left Can Dance and Apache Putay!
—FIRST 100 PEOPLE THROUGH THE DOOR GET IN FREE!

MONDAY NIGHT/April 20th – at Mercy Lounge ••21+•• (WE NEED YOUR VOTE!)
Road To Bonnaroo – This is the night that we Battle for a slot at Bonnaroo!
Get there at 9…procure your ballot… and hang out with us till the end of TIME….the ELO record…That’s right, we’re just going to sit around listening to ELO all night. It’s what we do. And we can do it together!
—This is a totally FREE show.

We’ll see you there.
-Commander

Tags: Protomen News by The Protomen
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There are strange things afoot in the Land of Volunteers. Seasons are changing. Tides are turning. Tectonic plates are shifting at a great rate of speed…geologically speaking. Act twos are existing…existentially speaking. If things seem to move slow in the Proto-camp, comrades, be assured that it is simply because everything is moving at once. It takes a great and silent earthquake to move the sea…but once the tidal wave is started it takes the Hand of God to stop it.

You have taken part with us in shaking the foundation of those seas. The Deli Magazine offered us a challenge and a great parachuted foe. We…You…rose to the occasion with such vigor, we were humbled. It takes a great deal to humble 11 men in silver makeup. For that, we thank you.
Because of you, we were victorious in the Deli Magazine’s physical challenge.

We thank them for putting us in the running with such great Nashville contemporaries/compadres and we thank you for pushing us over the top…starring Sylvester Stallone and the ever-talented David Mendenhall.

In Other News:
We’ve heard whispers of a new gauntlet being thrown. It promises to be just as tough as the last and may rely solely on our local battalions. It seems there is a battle brewing between us and quite a few of our long-time Nashville allies.

It’s going to be sort of like that time that you and 7 other people all ended up making out with each others girlfriends…and things got heated…and it ended up in a knife fight to the death in the alleyway behind the Exxon TigerMart…and only one of you lived…but in the morning you all had coffee and laughed about it because in the end you realized that your girlfriends were kind of slutty to begin with… and the most important thing is really that everyone is still friends and that no one was seriously hurt…except 7 people died.

What we’re saying is, on April 20th, we need your help like the devil needs fresh souls. We have been entered into an 8 Band knife fight…to the death. The survivor gets to play Bonnaroo……with Bruce Springsteen. Not really “with”….but he’ll be there, and that’s close enough.

Mercy Lounge’s: 8 Off 8th: Road to Bonnaroo *FREE SHOW* 21+
The rules are as follows:
MONDAY, APRIL 20th – Eight bands will gather at Mercy Lounge in Nashville to play roughly 3-4 songs each. It is at this point that Judges will then Judge them to death, based on those 3-4 songs. That part shouldn’t concern you….that part is up to us not sucking it up. What IS up to you is how many people you can bring to the show and stay from start to finish…. For this is the way of the new world. In order for your vote to be cast, you must get your ballot before the first band starts, and stay until the last band is done. It is only then, that you can cast your vote spell upon the dreaded dark wizard judges.

We know this may be asking a lot of you and your Monday night, but we know we can count on you….and your friends…and their friends….and their parents…and their parents’ parents…and your co-workers…and your co-workers’ parents….and maybe even your parents….and your parents’ parents…and your boss*..and your boss’ sister…and your siblings….and your siblings’ friends…and your siblings’ parents(may be double dipping here)…etc.

*If your boss is there, he won’t get mad at you the next day when you’re 45 minutes late to work, because you will have taken him to see the best Apocalyptic Spaghetti Western Robot Rock Band from Nashville… that he’s ever seen!

April 20th at Mercy Lounge – 9PM:
8 Men Enter – 1 Man…Goes to Bonnaroo.
Help us be that man.

Keep your eyes and ears tuned to the proper channels for more information.

In Other Other News:
We’d like to mention that we had a blast playing a rock and roll party celebrating Nashville’s finest Author/Artist/Writer/Fancy-man-extrodinarie, Eric Powell. His comic-book “The Goon” turned 10 years old a few weeks ago and we played the birthday party, alongside some entertaining Texan-rock–and-rollers, as well as a plethora of Fancy Ladies. Speaking of fancy ladies, also in attendance was the un-silent majority of The Nashville Rollergirls. If you don’t know who they are, find out…live it. They’ll skate right across your face. Because of this, our alliance grows stronger by the day.
It was a fun night. We strongly recommend you check out The Goon and Eric Powell. He’s a ferocious man.

News From The Merch Front:
Just in time for the spring…Hoodies!
Turns out we were too busy making Act II to time that one out properly.
Oh well…They still look tough as nails. Keep in mind, your peers will ridicule you for not having at least 3 of them. Good news is, there are two different types. Pullover and Zip-Up. This means you can get one of each….and get an extra of your favorite!

News From the “As we sink deeper and deeper into the swamps of Making a New Record….we realize that we really miss playing shows…so here we come” Front:

These are the shows… Get ’em while they’re hawt:
APRIL-
10th Bowling Green, KY – Mayhem/SOKY Fairgrounds
11th Columbus, OH – Armageddicon IV
17th Nashville, TN – Mercy Lounge (Unofficial Rites of Spring After-party)
20th Nashville, TN – ” (8 Off 8th/Road To Bonnaroo) FREE SHOW
28th Ashville, NC – New French Bar
29th Richmond, VA – The Czar
30th Baltimore, MD – Metro Gallery
MAY-
2/3rd East Rutherford, NJ – Bamboozle Festival
5th Washington DC – DC9
6th Greenville, NC – The New Spazzatorium
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Keep The Fire.

-Los Protomens

-end transmission-

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