This page is in its testing phase right now. I’ll figure out how to format it in the future. I will more than likely update this page daily when we’re on the road. But for now, read this shit:

Chapter 1: CMJ Marathon Tour

Starting with – 10/20/09

With Act II road ready, we pulled into Knoxville, TN. Things were going swimmingly until we were about to take the stage and realized that one of my synths, the DSS-1, had taken the long and solemn path to not living anymore. It was a dark moment…but we had to persevere. We had a show to play, and by damns, we were going to play that show.
We Fought.
We Won.
…then we partied.

From there we headed to Baltimore.
Now, it should be known that we hold a special place in our hearts for Baltimore. It is the final resting place of Doug Fetterman, and the current home of his creepier twin brother Duke Fetterman. They fight hard there. That particular night was no exception.
However, it is for another reason that we shall never forget that fateful night in Baltimore Maryland…or should I call it Sadnessimore Tragedyland.
That was the last night we saw Jesse Christine alive.
The show was over, we’d loaded her up and her engine was purring, ready to make the quiet drive up the coast to Philly. When out of the ground came some sort of prehistoric death worm. Reba saw it first. As it burst through the Earth’s crust, snake-like tentacles shot out of the beast’s giant mouth…Murphy called them “graboids,” or something. KILROY just screamed like a school girl. Panther stepped on the gas, but it was too late. The creature already had a hold of the back of the bus. The tires squealed and the engine roared, but still, the devil worm held fast. The front end lifted off the asphalt. It was almost the end for The Protomen. Reba jumped from the suicide window and landed on the sidewalk. She fired a single shot with her Model 70 (it’s a 375 H and H Mag….damn that woman knows her guns). The beast let loose from Jesse Christine and the bus roared away from the curb. In the rear view, we saw the demon snake turn on Reba. There was no turning back. Maybe she survived. If anyone could, it’d be Fancy.

We drove all night (not Celine’s Version) (not even Cyndi’s Version…even though we respect her greatly).
When we climbed out of the bus next to Pat’s Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia, The Official Cheesesteak of The Protomen, we finally saw the damage. With cheesesteak in hand, we pronounced Jesse Christine dead at 6:33am on the 23rd morning of October. Then we decided it would be best to drive her for another week and a half, with ratchet straps holding her ass on. The rest of the day was spent driving around Philadelphia searching for the one they call Chris of the DSS-1 Havers. We were told of his existence a few days before, when we went to the old seer, seeking the location of the ever moving DSS-1. The old seer, known to the knowers as, Crai Gslist, looked into his Spinning Emerald Crystal and spoke of a man who possessed such a Korg. We knew that if we found this man we may be able to force him to join us, or at the very least, trade him the keyboard for some Protomen t-shirts. Nearly an entire day was lost to the tiring and …..this story is getting long, soooo…………WE FOUND HIM! And better yet, he was swayed by our beautiful merchandises. With our day’s heroic actions, we had successfully acquired a new DSS-1!!! (…too bad I forgot the data disk with the sounds in the town before Baltimore….but that …is another story.) Either way, the show that night was fantastic. The stage was tiny and hot…just like we like it.
P.S. -If you’re from Philadelphia, support the Danger Danger Gallery (it’s like the Spazzatorium of Philadelphia…and that is a good thing).

After the show, we jumped in Ole Zombie Christine and made our way to the New York of the City. We had two shows that night, and both of them were great fun. The first was in the basement/Studio of Webster Hall. We played first. It was strange playing at 7pm. Not so many drunk people at 7pm, I guess that is a positive thing when talking about the betterment of society….but it can make for a less than exciting rock show (I’m not saying you have to be drunk to have fun [I don’t even drink], but most people tend to be very boring unless they are drunk…….I’m not advocating drinking….but I am advocating being less boring). That is ok, because we had another show waiting for us that night at Trash Bar, and it proved to be explosive magic party time. We knew it was going to be good when we got there and the door guy was dressed like he was in our band. At that moment, we knew we were home. They give you Tater Tots with drinks. That place is pure unicorn magic. Either way, we had shit loads of fun at our CMJ Showcases and would like to thank everyone involved with having us there, especially College Music Journal, and The Deli Magazine.

Next up was a day off…so don’t ask questions about it, or I will punch you in the mouth.

After that, we went to Danbury, CT to party with the Connecticuians. It was like a super sweet slumber pizza party that never ends. That night, we slept on the floor of the venue whilst watching Powaqqatsi and listening to the soothing sounds of Philip Glass. We love the Heirloom Arts Theatre. We love pizza.

The following day, we got to take another breather, or as I like to call it, we were “Open To Success…”.
We hung out. It was super. Remember, don’t ask about it, because I’ll do the mouth punch on you again.

Richmond was next in line. It’s a fancy little town that we consider another second home. We ate Cuban food and set up our gear at a sweet techno-lighted duckpin bowling alley called Plaza Bowl America (I don’t know if “America” is actually part of it’s title, but I tend to throw “America” on everything…deal with it). We have played here before, but this time….we got to use the stage. It was sort of a big deal, because Richmond hates stages.

Greenville…sweet Greenville. Firstly, let me say we love you. Not every town we roll into usually greets us with a new arm cannon made of steel and dreams. Only one town. Here is a lone picture of the most ridiculous thing possible. On another note, we know now why you’re all so strong. You’ve been fighting the Bros and Douches harder than anyone we’ve ever seen. We heard your rock radio station. We witnessed your downtown area this time. And we saw and heard the darkness that you live with. Aside from the one club down the way that only played Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” (I wanted to take that club home with me), that area is saturated with the utmost of terribles. It was a side of you we never knew. And we respect you all the more for being as strong as you are. Power. Also….go eat a Sup Dog for me.

Ashville, America. You have nearly all of the letters of our hometown. I don’t really know how that relates to anything, but I thought you should know that. Also, somewhere along the way, I have started to refer to places in a personified manner. I assume it doesn’t offend anyone, so I’ll continue. However, if it does offend you….shut up and wipe those crybaby tears. This is America. I do what I want. Ok. Now, I’ll tell you about Ashville, NC. There is a place called Rosetta’s Kitchen right by Broadways that has the most incredible sweet potato french fries on earth. Seriously. Take a road trip to eat them. Our show that night was almost as good as the french fries. But not quite. It was now time to head home.

Franklin, TN. You are so close to our hometown, but you could be another country. We played up inside of you on Halloweens Night….but you didn’t even notice. So much clean family fun going on all around us. Had you known that 10 grown men and women were wearing silver and black facepaint while playing rock and roll at a local bar, you probably wouldn’t have flinched, being so close to the Devil’s night and all…..until you realized that we wear makeup EVERY NIGHT!! (cue evil and awkward laugh machine) Seriously, it was the strangest show ever. But it was the last night of the tour, and home was so close. We made it.
I will say, the food at the Pond is fantastic. Go eat and drink there any time. Tip your bartenders.

10/31/09 – End Tour Talk Chapter 1.

Chapter 1.1: NerdPow, Ohio

11/14/09

Sorry for the late post here, but it took me this long to decide if the Nov. 14th outing was considered a tour or not. Reason being, we were only really away from home for about 15 hours, and I certainly don’t want to start the precedent of chronicling every show we play…that would crush my brain.

All that being said, I decided to go ahead with this update and tell everyone a little bit about the night that we made a round trip..um…trip.. to Sharonville, Ohio to take part in the very first Anual American NerdPow.

There might not have been an incredible number of people there, but at least that stage was bright. Seriously, it looked like the sun had come to see our show. And my brain ached for the next two days from having a floodlight pointed directly at my eyeballs (which are even protected by super sweet clip-ons). And I didn’t know it at the time, but we had a quite famous/dangerous fan at the show.
Below is a picture of the crowd (mildly adjusted for size) and the one shot we have of our special guest…

“I gotta call Jeff…”

Either way, it was a fanciful time, and we’d like to thank Panda and the crew for having us.
Next Year, No excuses…Every one of you had better be at NerdPow 2010…or Freddy’s gonna get you…

I’m your DJ now, Princey…..

-Commander

11/14/09 – End Tour Talk Chapter 1.1