Firstly, a belated Happy New Decade Year… everyone. I know I promised a more regular mailer update, but things have sort of been crazy around here lately and if you can’t handle that, I’ll come to your house and punch you in the mouth…to the death.

Now, with the usual threats out of the way, its time for a State Of The Union Address of The Union’s State of Addresses. However, instead of talking about things of the past, we’re going to talk about things of the future. ACT III………… not really. What we’re really going to talk about how we could be coming to a town near you… and if we aren’t, you should move towns. Sorry West Coast, don’t get your hopes up… yet.

This year is shaping up to be pretty intense. We’re putting together some pretty constant tours right now. “What bus will you use on these intense and constant tours?,” some of you may well ask. Well, we’re pleased to tell you that all of the get well cards and flowers and chocolate bars and high-powered industrial strength juicers and foot pajamas that you sent to aid in Jesse Christine: The last of the V8 Interceptors’ swift recovery… failed miserably.

She did not pull through.

In fact, Jesse Christine was lost altogether in a roof top fight with an oversized rat. Dangling from the edge of the building, her very life in the hands of a vengeance-crazed rodent, she pleaded for mercy. The rodent spoke: “Death comes for us all, Jesse Christine: The Last of the V8 Interceptors, but something much worse comes for you, for when you die it will be”…Our valiant bus would take the abuse no more. She let go and plummeted…into a garbage truck. “…Without honor” the rat whispered. That guy from Look Who’s Talking Too and the third episode of Knightwatch pulled the lever and crushed her…to the death.

Luckily, we recovered the body and had just enough ooze left to create a freakishly large and ridiculously strong “Super Jesse Christine: The Last of the Super V8 Interceptors.” We don’t want to jinx it…but we feel we can say with the utmost confidence that there is little to no chance of our new bus being crushed under the weight of a dock.

Speaking of getting crushed under a dock, we’re playing a show February 28th in Nashville’s own 12th and Porter. It is going to be broadcast live on 102.9 The Buzz in Nashville….HOW EXCITING?! (Remember, that’s FM. You AM people are shit out of luck) But seriously now, if you’ve ever had dreams and aspirations of having your voice heard on radio, this could be the night, the night to remember. We’ll make it last forever. All you have to do is come down to 12th and Porter and scream into their broadcast mics…they love it when you do that. If you can’t be there, for some horrible reason, you can possibly stream it on the World Wide Web. Since this is a live broacast, the rules are a little different. It is an early show and we’re the only band playing that night. WE START PLAYING MUSICS AT 9PM. Don’t blow it.

Good news for the people who didn’t make it to the Act II release show. We’re going to play Acts I and II again…only this time, we’re sure as hell not going to do them both in the same night. No. This time we’re doing it in two back to back nights at the A&G Ohio nerd debauchery contest…it’s going to be the awesomest. The dates are March 12th and 13th. Get your tickets now before it sells the hell out!

Speaking of selling the hell out…. We have been invited to play PAX East this year in Boston, MA. If you’d like, you can read an interview about it with The Arcadians on MTV.com where we get a fancy mention. How Nice! That show is March 26th and day passes for Friday are the only ones left. Everything else is sold out. Get them whilst you can get them!

Below is a rundown of most of our upcoming shows. More shows are being added daily so keep your eye on our Current Tour Dates page (I swear we’ll keep it updated from now on):

February:
28th – Nashville, TN – 12th and Porter

March:
12th – Cincinnati, OH – A&G Ohio
13th – Cincinnati, OH – A&G Ohio
15th – Austin, TX – Elysium (SXSW)
17th – Austin, TX – Red Eye Fly (OFFICIAL SXSW SHOWCASE)
18th – Austin, TX – To Be Announced Soon (SXSW)
19th – Austin, TX – Republic Live (Concequence of Sound SXSW Day Pary)
21st – Memphis, TN – Newby’s
23rd – Knoxville, TN – The Midtown
24th – Richmond, VA – Plaza Bowl
25th – Danbury, CT – Heirloom Arts
26th – Boston, MA – PAX East
31st – Detroit, MI – The Trumbullplex

April:
1st – Chicago, IL – Beat Kitchen ••17+••
2nd – Louisville, KY – Vernon Lanes
3rd – Murfreesboro, TN – YEAH (All Ages Early Show) + Wall St. (Late Show)
17th – Chattanooga, TN – JJ’s Bohemia
18th – Gainesville, FL – 1982 Bar
19th – Orlando, FL – The Haven
21st – Greenville, NC – The Tank
22nd – Harrisonburg, VA – Blue Nile
23rd – Baltimore, MD – Metro Gallery ••21+
29th – New York, NY – Santos Party House

Much more to be announced in the days to come.

With impending Tour comes impending Tour Talks. They will more than likely show up on the main news page from now on, in order to save everyone pounds and pounds of confusion. Here’s to swimmin’ with bow legged women.

Speaking of bow legged women…There are lots of new stuffs available in Merchandise Land, and even more stuff on the way. Get ready. New Shirts coming. Patches already here. Puppies….ok, no puppies:

The Protomen/Zambooie Store
SoundMachine Store

I think that pretty much brings us up to date.

-Commander

p.s. – ***PLEASE NOTE – UPDATED****

For those of you in the Tennessee area….or even those not from the Tennessee area, you should know that a fierce show is going to happen in Nashville on SUNDAY, MARCH 14th. Makeup and Vanity Set and Magic Hammer (aka – The Dragon) are having a dual album release party at The End, and if that isn’t awesome enough, it gets more and more awesomed by the minute. Anamanaguchi, Sabrepulse, Henry Homesweet, and Starscream are going to be there making party, too. To clarify, when I say “dual album release,” I mean that they are each releasing an album that night…so bring some extra awesome money.

**I’ve heard from “the people who know” that Makeup And Vanity Set’s new album (Self Titled) is going to be very limited in the Physical Copy dept….so pre-order one now, or be at the show to get one. Don’t come crying to me when you finally ask him for one and he man-slaps you right in the mouth.

***I’ve also heard from “other people who know” that Magic Hammer’s new album (Most Extreme Ultimate Thunder) is also a limited Physical Release…but you’ll have to get this one at the show, because he hates Pre-Orders like the Pope hates the devil.

– Click Here for the Makeup and Vanity Set + Magic Hammer show info –

I know its been about 2 months since our last mailer (“LOOK, I’M SORRY” – The Reanimator), but believe us, we have good reasons (exaggeration) for taking this long. We have been obscenely busy (not an exaggeration) since the release of Act II. This is a good thing (also not an exaggeration). So much has been going on, that it is becoming hard to keep up with everything. And thusly, this mailer is probably going to wind up being the size of an over-achieving grad student’s senior thesis (probably an exaggeration).

What can I remember since the last time we spoke?
You know, it’s… a blur.
I mean, not complete amnesia… I remember Sister Mary-Margaret puking in church, and Betsy Riley said it was morning sickness. And I remember the time I forgot to wear underpants to school, and the name of the boy who noticed was… Ricky Friedburg, he’s dead now.
But… the last 2 months? Complete blur.

I do remember a show.

It was the greatest show that ever happened…
And by that, I mean it was the hottest stage we’ve ever played on. I really think all the technical difficulties we had were caused by the whole place melting out from under us.

I suppose there’s some correlation between hot and awesome. After all, nobody just up and moves to Alaska. Oh, Scartoe…

There is a list in the SoundMachine office of people who made the Act II release show possible. It contains over a hundred names. Most of them are dead now.
They will never know how truly grateful we, The Protomen, will always be for what they did for us, The Protomen.

To our allies in the ProtoOrchestra:
I have never met a group of musicians more willing to pack into a small corner of a rehearsal space, sitting on god knows what, and play rock and roll, completely unable to hear any sound produced by your instrument, or the instruments around you. (Except You Adam… good god those cymbals were shrill). You have our utmost respect and admiration.

To our allies in the Human Choir:
I wept, imagining what you must have sounded like. (We couldn’t hear you at all from the stage) But the hell you brought down on the crowd that night will not soon be forgotten. You portrayed humanity, not as it is, but as it should be… singing words that we wrote about robots. You have our love and adoration.

To our allies in the crowd:
Where in the world did you people come from?
The answer: Not Nashville.
If our fair city had half of your raised fists and roaring voices full time… well, we’d never have to leave.
Thank you for your blood, tears, and gallons of gross gross nerd sweat. You have our thanks and infinite devotion.

Following a night like that, you’d think that we, The Protomen, would sit back and take it easy for a while.
WRONG.
In war, there is no Fall Break.
No, comrades, after the clean up from hurricane “Act II Release Show,” we strapped ourselves into Jesse Christine, The Last of the V8 Interceptors, and headed east.

Unfortunately, of the 30 men and women that played the Act II release show and then climbed into our bus….only 10 survived. We lost almost all of the human choir, and every single string player. All that was left of them was a single violin, which Sir Robert Bakker picked up and made playing it look easy. Who knew he was an accomplished violinist? We did….that’s who.

The Part Where We Talk About The Tour:

Since “some of us” have doubts about your ability to take in great numbers of words in one sitting, we decided it would be best to remove the following section from the core mailer. The missing section is titled “Tour Talk With Commander Hawk,” and it is the start of a tour update blog that I will hopefully be updating regularly while on the road. It is a detailed report of our last tour up the East coast, including the true story of what happened to our bus. Should you like to read it (and you should), follow the next link:

Tour Talk With Commander Hawk

If you’ve made it this far (and read “Tour Talk With Commander Hawk”)… Congratulations. I told you this would be long.
We have a few other important things to tell you, and there’s no time for holding back now.

All The Other Stuff We Need To Talk About:

Act II has made its way to a local College Radio Station near you. It is up to you to request the shit out of it. Even if you don’t live in listening range of a station, you can request anyway. Get their number. Call them. While you’re talking to them, find out if they have a streaming service on their website. Listen to college radio..it can be fun! You can learn new things! However, if they play terrible DoucheRock while you’re listening…it is your duty to call them back and berate them. Either way, the point is this: The more Act II is played over the sky sound machine(S) the higher the possibility of someone hearing it and joining the cause.
The more people that join the cause = The more we can do this thing right. America.

•••The following was updated on 11/14/09•••
Many of you have been asking when Act II: The Poster will be available in the store. I’m here to tell you that the time is now.
…and it comes in Two sizes:
1) Regular – 12″ x 19″
2) Super Awesome – 24″ x 38″

Take your pick.

AMPERSAND for those of you that are on the evolutionary curve and have outgrown this XL economy, XXL shirts are now available in our Zambooie store. Do the deed.
*Note* I’ll send out another small update mailer the moment the posters are available.

For those of you following us on Twitter and the Myspace, you may have noticed us mentioning something about how you still have work to do, and such. Well, that work is due today. This is the last day to tell Lollapalooza that you think The Protomen should play music at their fancy little party. Do your work… Click Here.

If you’re in the Ohio area, you may want to make your way to Sharonville on Saturday. We are playing a show!
11/14/09 – Sharonville, OH – NerdPow – Holiday Inn (We play at 9:30pm)

Here’s your one chance, Fancy. Don’t let me down,

-Commander

P.S. – Just so everyone knows. The only show we’re playing this week is in Ohio. No Chicago Show. We don’t have a bus yet. We’re sorry for the sadness we’ve put all over you. Pass it on.

We have just been informed by the good people of Mercy Lounge, that if you are in need of lodging for the days surrounding the 25th, you can get a 20% discount at the nearby Best Western on Music Row if you say Mercy Lounge sent you(that was a remarkably long but somewhat acceptable sentence). All you have to do is ask for the manager named Poonam, and mention Mercy Lounge. (615) 242-1631. One word of advice, however, never look Poonam in the eye…because it may cost you yours.
We hope this info helps keep you off the dark and lonely streets.

We’re down to the last stretch. Under one day until we unveil another countdown that will slowly tick and tock its way until the ACTUAL release of Act II….on December 21, 2012.

Until then, I would like to thank all of you who have already reached for the stars and locked down your very own fancy private unadulterated physical copy of Act II…you’re like family now…well, sort of like family. I guess you’re not so much like family as you are like a bunch of creepy internet stalkers that give us your hard-earned bad-economy money from time to time. We know money is hard to come by. We know you work your fingers to the bone. We know you’re just a steel town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of your life. Either way, what I’m trying to say is, we appreciate the hell out of you and your creepiness.

Now, as for the rest of you, I’m not going to say that if you don’t Pre-Order Act II right now, we’re going to come to your school and dip your head in a toilet in front of your friends, acquaintances, and that cute girl/guy you like. I won’t say that we’ll sneak into your room and hide all manner of drugs, pornographic material, and guns all over the place, while another one of us calls your parents with an anonymous and “concerned” tip…seriously, who would do such a thing?? However, I will say that if you don’t pre-order this record right now, a pack of wolves will come to your house tonight and devour your entire family. Think about it.

I’d like to take this time to point you in the direction of the man who brought the Act II album art to life. His name is John DeLucca. You may remember some of his fine work on our website and with the “Conquest Of The West” poster. He’s a man of great strength and power. Go ahead and let him know how much you like his magic.

Notice-
If you still haven’t gotten your tickets to the Sept. 25th show, you’d best move with a quickness.

For those of you who are into things like Facebook and astronomy, you should click this link, and then spread it like wildfire.

They can’t hurt you now,

-Commander