Oh God.
Where have I been
What’s happened here?
…
The day is Wednesday, the 26th of May, year of our Lord 2000…something.
Today is the first day I can focus my brain since the beating we took in Greenville.

What can I remember…
There was the 14 hour bus ride/Indiana Jones marathon. I nearly won. I made it through the “Kali Ma Shakti de”…but the next thing I remember was “he no nuts…he crazy.” So really…no points for Temple of Doom.

What else…
There was Greenville.She was just as we left her…completely insane and brimming with the most bizarre creatures the night has ever born.
There was the Baby Dinosaur Guy.He fell to the floor in front of me and showed me how dinosaurs freed themselves from the egg-prison. His presentation ended with him screaming “If I cannot have life, then I will TAKE LIFE!” and then leaping onto some poor bastard’s neck and chewing on his ear.
Then there was the girl that Scartoe spoke to who was afraid that whales would somehow walk the earth again. This terrified her.
They had metal-workers. The head metalist forged a new MegaCannon from the fires of hell and the steel of the Devil himself. It was beautiful. It was heavy. It was magnificent.
Oh.
And we played a show.
Yes.
There was a show…I’m remembering bits and pieces now.
There were other shows.

Richmond, where the children run the streets with tattoos and clearly learn to party at age 9.

Connecticut, where the venues will let you sleep on the stage…for certain favors (Murphy took care of the details).

Boston, where the bars are built on the sun and the sweat fuels the machines that produce heat and feed it back into the bars.

Brooklyn, Where our old allies keep the fires burning all night, and then cook pizza upon them.

And Baltimore, Yes Baltimore. We love you the most. Although you’re a very strange bird. We’ll be back soon, honey.

And Snoop Dogg was there.
And we played on the New York Giant’s practice turf.
And we rode the Gravitron until we vomited with joy.

The Tour was a success, from what I can recall.
Thanks to everyone who made it the hazy blur that it was.
Those who played…those who offered shelter…those who provided food…those who turned the PA up until the death rang out properly…and that asshole at the motel in New Jersey who would not…I repeat, would not…let us sneak 11 people into a room reserved for two…Mola Ram… prepare to meet Kali… in Hell.

There have been other shows that need to be mentioned.There were benefits and battles that went unsung.Wax Fang…you will always be in our hearts (mostly because you broke into Thunderstruck at some point during the set…your rendition of ACDC brought Gumby back from hell.)

USN(University School of Nashville) and the kids at Zeitgeist…fantastic showing. We are fans. We are allies.

WRVU and WMTS…there are few people we love enough to stop swearing long enough to talk on air to…we are forever yours.

Springfield and Chicago…we learned some pretty disturbing things about Lincoln. Did you know that they had the minivan of outhouses? Look it up. Family style…creepy.

We’re hard at work now to make Act II a reality.We even showed some of the material to the more discerning(read: drunk) crowds this last run up the eat coast.With their official thumbs up…we will proceed.

Also…we have started a line of fancy Patches. Buy them. Buy them in large numbers. Many. Buy them. Be Fancy. Be fancy 10 times over.

Starting today, it’s time to start our street team attack. If you are interested in being on the Super Proto Street Team Attack To The Proto Death Attack Street Team(S.P.S.T.A.T.T.P.D.A.S.T)…FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
Step 1:
Go to the Protomen Forum.

Step 2:
Register with whatever name you feel just. Make it good.
*If you are already registered on the Forum, skip this step and continue to Step 3.

Step 3:
Email us HERE: lightbrigadestreetteam@gmail.com ….telling us your ScreenName and Location. Please put your State and Screen Name in the SUBJECT line.

Step 4(is our responsibility):
We will read the email and then grant you access to the Super Secret Street Team portion of the Forum: COMMAND STATION.

Lastly,
I need to make clear the rumors that Doug Fetterman made a Baltimore appearance.Ladies and Gentleman, Doug Fetterman is and will forever be…gone from us.He was our friend. He was our most beloved leader and confidant. He will forever live on in our music. Last month was the one year anniversary of his passing. That being the case, we have decided to commemorate this fallen hero with our newest shirt. I guess we’ll just have to figure out what that “one thing” is on our own. We’ll miss you, Doug.
Viva Fetterman…long live the king.

Man, this message is long….I guess that’s what I get for being silent for 6 months now.

You know what they say…
Fortune and Glory kid, Fortune and glory,
Panther.

It has been a along time since last we spoke….for that, I am sorry. There are some things in this world that cannot be helped…like The Death Flu Sick. Our 3 day mini tour to KY, OH, and MI took it’s toll on us. We have also been obscenely busy lately recording and writing. Would you rather us write on the internet …or write on the songs?? Make the right decision. Don’t blow this for yourself.

When last we contacted you, we were preparing for a vicious show with Wax Fang and Velcro Stars on January 12th. It happened..and it was amazing. A strong “thank you” goes out to all who were there…and an even stronger “sorry for your loss” goes out to all who weren’t. All is not lost, however… there seems to be rumblings of a Round 2.

Since our Jan. 12th show, we have been many places(and by “many,” I mean 3), and seen many things(and by “many,” I mean we saw some stuff). One of said things was the basement of a bowling alley in Louisville, KY on Feb 8th. We played with a band known only as Ultra Pulverize…and that names suits them all too well. That night, we slept with the dead. In a mortuary. With dead people. We’re super tough. Supposedly there weren’t really any dead people there at the time, but I like to think there were…and that they came back to life and ate Scartoe as he slept quietly on the stairs….like a little lamb.
The second night was spent in Akron, OH, and “OH” what a night of nerdiological debauchery, it was. A&G Ohio. There were wizards and warriors a plenty, there were ravers and weirdos galore…you want Pokemons?…there were too many…but who cares. no big deal. we’re still poor(Demon Barber’s got one hell of a fountain Pepsi habit)……….we also ate vicious Italian at a place called Mr. G’s Pizzeria(go there, if you want to live). It was ferocious. Once again, Ohio was overly entertaining.
Anyway, day 3 was spent in Detroit where our mustaches froze upon getting out of the bus. Intense cold. Although the outside temperature was in the negatives…it was a temperate 74º inside the bar. Marvels of modern technology. Space technology. Future Computers. Half frozen and half warm, we played a show to a fierce crowd of also half frozen and half warm Robocop lovers. They have to love him…he’s hometown. After the show, we jumped back on the bus and froze our asses off for 9 hours of intense driving fury. Feet were nearly frostbitten…hypothermia nearly took our dear sweet Murphy, for he’s a fragile one. This cold took it’s toll on us all. The Death Flu Sick jumped on us like a happy dog at a picnic. Gross. Even now, we’re still feeling the aftershocks. Not of the dog…but of the Detroit Sickness. It’s a little less gross than the dog thing.
So, that pretty much wraps up Operation: Drive to Kentucky to Play a Show, then Drive to Ohio to Play Another Show, and then Drive to Detroit to Freeze to Death(sorry, I’m not a very efficient operation namer).

The future holds much for us. What Murphy was trying to say in his cryptic/confusing bulletins on the myspace was that we are coming for you Chicago. Two nights of lusty bliss:

Thursday——-March 27th———- Chicago—————Empty Bottle – supporting Howlin’ Rain
Friday———-March 28th———- Chicago—————-Ronny’s – w/ Kid Static
Saturday——-March 29th———- Springfield, IL—-Black Sheep

Springfield..you’ll get yours, as well..

After that, we come home and begin recording….viciously. Songs. Music. America.

That’s all I’m telling you, for now….because this message is too long.

More, soon…very soon.

-Commander

December 13th, In The Year of Our Lord, 2007

As the sun rose on the Thundercon, the day after the Last Battle of The End, some awoke to the sound of men dying, some never woke up at all.

I was one of those that never awoke.

The death had come for me. It was a valiant beating we gave the forces of evil that fateful night, but I had left myself open to the most sinister weapon the robots could think of… S.T.R.E.P. Throat.

 This new post is long overdue, faithful readers. I’ve been dead. For that, I apologize. 

Here is the News:

Firstly, We’d like to thank all who travelled from near and far for the battle on Dec. 1st.

I’m pleased to announce that the verdict is in…We were victorious. But this was no easy victory. We were forced to fight with half as many men as we needed. 

The End made a grave mathematical error.

The End’s Official Story is this:

The End’s Official Story

…So that’s why many of you were turned away at the door.

It is possible that The End will eventually get it’s Ability to let more than 125 people in the door back…and thus become a good venue once again. Unfortunately, Commander is easily scared and made us turn that movie off before we could see the conclusion. 

So that’s it. We have lost faith in The End. 

We shall play there no more.

The Protomen New Deal:

EVERYONE GETS IN!

To make it up to you, Nashville, we are joining forces with our brothers from the north: Wax Fang.  On January 12th we will battle to the death with Wax Fang and long-time allies, The Velcro Stars, at the Mercy Lounge…the Biggest Venue in all the Land! (not true)

Furthermore, it is entirely possible for you to buy tickets now to ensure you will be among the fighters fighting the fight that night.  (Alright!)

Here is the link to the Ticket Purchasing Department at the Mercy Lounge:

The Ticket Purchasing Department at the Mercy Lounge

What else… what else…what…else…what…

A Sea King-sized thank you to all those helping with the

“Protomen take over College Radio Station Airwaves Campaign” 

As of last week we broke the top 100.

Our New Year’s Resolution: Breaking the top 90!

Keep up the good work comrades.

We will be Victorious!

I was just handed a communiqué from Murphy regarding future shows.

It reads:

Panther, 

Don’t forget to mention these shows in your news post. (stop) 

Feb 8 —  Louisville, KY @ Pour House w/ Ultra Pulverize (stop)

Feb 9 — Akron, OH @ The Hilton – The Protomen cut ties with The Marriott tour (stop)

Feb 10 — Detroit, MI @ Painted Lady Lounge (stop)

Ok, That’s it. I’ve got to head back to Eagleville for a few hours. (stop)

Then I have to switch out cars and go to my Mom’s house (stop)

I’ll be at the Thundercon in a few hours (stop)

-Murphy

I think that’s all the news so far.

Except this: Commander has discovered an NES game he’s never played: Cliffhanger.

He played it today and it’s pretty awful.

Way to go Sony Imagesoft…way to go.

We expected better from you.

Also, We had a few of you very concerned with 525-SEA at the last battle

All i can tell you is this:

Keep your ears tuned to the proper channels. 

I wanna bop with you… baby, 

Panther

-End Transmission-