As the new year begins we pause to reflect on all the things that happened in the Year of Our Lord 2008:

– We began the year in the midst of a losing battle with facial hair.

– We travelled to Detroit, where our calzones froze to the bottom of our ill-insulated tour bus.

– We travelled to Dragoncon and killed a man with our rock fury (Old Greg, you will be missed).

– We traveled to Chicago, New York and Los Angeles only to find that as big as they are, the real rock and roll kids live in Greenville, South Carolina.

– We were brutally attacked by a grown man in a Gumby costume while playing Kenny Loggins.

– The Merchant Fell.

– The Thundercon Fell*.

– Demon Barber Fell*.

– Gas Prices Fell (after we’d finished touring for the year).

– Doug Fetterman stayed fallen.

But after all this, we end this year on a high note. We’d like to thank the Nashville Scene for making it official:
The Protomen are a big deal.

However, Big Deal or No Deal, Howie, this year will not be won easily. Even now, like a pair of T-Rexes attacking a camper in a movie devoid of Sam Neil, the second battle begins:

News from the Department of Destroying the Competition:
The Deli Magazine has thrown down yet another gauntlet. We have decided to take the challenge, for… what choice do we have but to defend our honor.
Help us show the world that the members of The Protomen Army are nothing if not internet voting machines.

Here is your task, fair allies:
This is easy –
Go Here:
Click the little dot next to The Protomen.
Rinse and Repeat…well, not really the “Repeat” part, since it’s a one time vote. But you should certainly Rinse.

Know that the spoils of this war would greatly aid in the development of Act II.

Tell your friends.
Tell your neighbors.
Go to your Grandmother’s house and guide her feeble tech-inept hands to the cyber-voting booth, tell her we’re the Ronny Reagan of Rock and Roll.

We must destroy the competition. Otherwise they’re just going to come back again in 6 months with another poll.
It ends here, Comrades.
It ends now.

News from the Act II front:
Our newest ally, Alan Shacklock (you may know him from such past projects as “The Protomen present Father of Death – the 7 inch Single“. I think he’s done other things as well, but his credentials aren’t in front of me right now.) has joined us for the whole of Act II. This will be the most fierce and terrifying creation the Protomen have ever created after promising it for 3 years. And the most anticipated, to boot.
Don’t worry kids, when the frost breaks, you shall have your vengeance.

News from the office of the “Keep Supporting The Protomen by Buying Stuff Dept”:

“Heath Who Hath No Name” will now be known as “Heath Who Hath Decided To Retire His Trusty Hollow-body Ibanez Guitar.”

See the full story….HERE.

News from the Bureau of Bookings:

These are the scheduled battles of the New Year:
Jan 10 – The End – DJ sets w/ Left Can Dance & MAVS – Nashville, Tennessee
Jan 13 – 527 Main Street – with Destroy Destroy Destroy – Murfreesboro, Tennessee
Jan 15 – The Exit/In – with Destroy Destroy Destroy – Nashville, Tennessee
Jan 16 – MERCY LOUNGE 6TH ANNIVERSARY – Nashville, TN
Jan 17 – Halfway to Forecastle Festival *ALL AGES* @ Green Building – Louisville, Kentucky

We’ve only got 4 more years until the Mayan Calendar runs out…Let’s make them count.

-Panther

* more on this later.

It’s Saturday, November 28th. One day after the day after the worlds most intense Annual Pilgrim Party. And it is only now that I am at a point in my life that I can explain, in big man words, the chaotic events that took place nearly two full days ago…

I awoke Thursday morning, and prepared myself for what I thought was going to be a long day of binge eating and generalized thankful slothiness, only to find a switchblade stabbed into the hood of my car…and a note that read:
“2009 will be The Year of the Apache!”

That’s right. It’s happened. After years of struggle. After endless war. Armando “Apache” Putay has resurfaced. He stopped by a little while later to apologize about the switchblade thing, and offered to fix my hood, but something spooked him and he was gone, like the wind rider that he is. Although he was before me only for an instant, his burning eyes told me everything. Where he’d been. Where he’s going. How long he plans to stay there. Whether or not he got great deals on hotel lodging through Priceline.com.
It seems Shatner and Putay walk with the buffalo.

For years, many of you have asked, “where can I get more Makeup And Vanity Set?…I love his 8Bit record, but I yearn for more.” And for those same years, we’ve held no answers for you. Hark(yes, I just said “Hark”)! Those years are the years of the past. This year is the year of the FUTURE…or the present. But we’re moving into the FUTURE. And very soon, you will be able to get your computerized hands on your very own computerized copies of “Aesthetically Speaking,” and “Charles Park.” “How soon,” you ask? By the time you get through reading this paragraph…that’s “how soon.” Now, you ask, “just when will I be done reading this paragraph?” and I say to you…”as soon as you stop asking questions like the one you just asked.” And then I say, “If you just let me finish, I can get on with the telling you how to get to his illustrious jams.” And you say, “sorry.” And I say, “it’s ok, but you need to grow up and stop being a terrible burden on your poor mother.” And then you say, in a sassy but perturbed tone, “Bitch, You don’t know my life!.” To which I respond, “you’re right, I was completely out of line with suggesting that I had a working knowledge of you and your mother’s relationship…I’m sorry.” To make it up to you, I’ve decided to give you access to Makeup And Vanity Set’s music…On iTunes. Go Here:
–Charles Park

–Aesthetically Speaking

–Makeup And Vanity Set Presents: The Protomen

As for the “Father Of Death” 7″….
There are quite a few things to tell you on that front. And because there are so many things to tell you, I’ve decided to put it into bullet point Q&A, for convenience and style:

•1•
QUESTION: “My record says to play it at 45RPMs, but when I do that, it sounds like the Chipmunks Christmas record.”
ANSWER: “That is because there were suggestions by some of the head execs at SoundMachine Records that we would sell better if we sounded more like the Chipmunks.”
SOLUTION: Play the record at 33RPMs for now…and play it at 45RPMs on Christmas Day.

•2•
Q: “How many records were pressed?”
A: “More than we ever anticipated. The initial number was to be 500, but several malfunctions at the plant caused that number to nearly double. 450 of them say to play the record at 45RPMs, and the correct 500 say to play the record at 33-1/3RPM. The corrected label records came in, and are ready to ship. This means that if you haven’t ordered your copy by now, you should thank the record pressing plant for the extras, because we would be sold out by now.
S: Buy more records.

•3•
Q: “But seriously, I have this rash, and I was wondering…”
A: “Seriously, No.”
S: Topical Cream. Buy it. Use it. Leave us alone about your rashes.

•4•
Q: “Am I supposed to get a Download Code with my record? I pre-ordered my copy of Father Of Death, and it came in, but i couldn’t find my Digital Download Code. Woe is me..”
A: “Yes, you should have gotten a code. An email with your code was sent out by Theory 8 Records around November 8th. The codes were emailed the day of the release show, so you wouldn’t have to wait. This means your package wouldn’t contain the download slip.”
S: Check your email history and/or junk mail folders. If that fails…send our people an email.

I’m sure there are other things that I should be telling you right now, but I can’t think of anything else. Maybe later.

“Year Of The Apache…”
It better be, Putay…it better be…

-Commander

Good Lord.
Never in our collective robot-rock-opera-performing-lives have we been so destroyed by the raw power of an audience as we were Sabado noche. Each member of the Protomen awoke the next morning saying the same thing…(in the same bed – as the Thundercon has lost all shred of heat and has forced us to go to disturbing lengths to keep warm), “I (we)… feel like I (we)… was (were)… hit by a bus (bus)…a bus driven by fury and hellfire…a bus fueled by synth-destroying screams and raised fists…a bus driven by the nerd-devil himself straight into the gates of the extremely well-lit stage of hell.

It felt good.

It felt right.

Act 2 will be good. We can feel it in our bones. Last night’s show gave us back the fire that the cold heart of the Thundercon had threatened to put out. For that, We thank you.

For those of you still pondering the best way to cram your fancy new 7 inch into your compact disc player (or for you really old school hipsters…your tape deck) The best we can offer is the digital version of both “Father of Death” and Robert Tepper’s immortal classic “No Easy Way Out”.
The code enclosed in your very own copy of the Father Of Death single can be used to obtain such an intangible treasure. But beware, it can be used only once.
Keep it secret.
Keep it safe.

Those of you who missed out on the fury of last Saturday’s battle, keep hope. All is not lost. We managed to fend off the mob long enough to escape with one or two of the coveted Father of Death singles.

They will be at the following location starting the 10th of November at a minute past noon (12:01pm). Get them while they last, kiddies. There won’t be anymore.**

http://www.soundmachinestore.bigcartel.com

While you’re there, grab a limited edition “Father Of Death” Wanted Poster…if you don’t, we’ll hunt you down.

-end transmission-

-Panther

** We know the 10th of November was yesterday. We just wanted to rub it in that the Mailing List people got first shot at the new record/Sound Machine Store. If we had shelves…they would be flying off of them right now.